


broken friends always lovers

by doveswings



Series: Standing side by side [1]
Category: Captain America (2011), Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Flashbacks, M/M, Memories, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-07-22
Updated: 2012-07-22
Packaged: 2017-11-10 11:56:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,804
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/466000
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/doveswings/pseuds/doveswings
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You told me never to live in a memory but this love of mine is all the ones you never intended to give me.</p><p>(AKA how Steve fell in love with Tony and how Tony might <s>and does</s> love him too)</p>
            </blockquote>





	broken friends always lovers

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Avengers kink meme prompt: http://avengerkink.livejournal.com/7940.html?thread=14960644#t14960644
> 
> I decided to move it from the meme because I realised that it's growing with no signs of slowing and, in my opinion, there's nothing more annoying than a stretched out comment box. 
> 
> I've re-written and added some bits here and there but it's unbeta'd so therefore all mistakes are my own.
> 
> Chapter title comes from the song Run by Matt Nathanson.

It’s one of the first few memories Steve builds in his new life in the 21st century and he keeps it because it’s the one that has served him best:

 

_The mission is done and the team disperses but Steve just stays where he is on the landing deck of Stark Tower. From that high up, Steve sees how many more buildings stand than he remembers, how far it all reaches now. No more war, prosperity for everyone, that simple they tell him. It feels like a lie, heck this century feels like a lie, a two faced monster that muddies the water and clouds Steve's judgement._

_“Wake up man,_ this is your life _, you can walk down a hundred streets and live every fucking memory in them but that's not real. This is. Right now. I'm sorry you got screwed over but keep going and the rest of your life being crap? Gonna be your fault." Tony tells him. He's standing behind Steve in his Iron Man suit, the epitome of this godforsaken century and Steve just_ hates _him._

_Steve thinks that of all the changes in the world, all the lies they want him to believe, Tony Stark might be the biggest lie of all and everyone knows that the biggest lies have an element of truth to them so Steve nods his head and keeps in mind what Tony has said: focus on the real._

_Maybe one day that might even been enough._

 

 

 

 

 _It’s never enough,_ Steve thinks to himself as he races down to where Tony has fallen. For a moment his hands flail because he doesn't know what to touch and the smell of smouldering metal is overpowering.  More concerning is that he can see the slick of blood on the suit, staining red over gold, "Tony? Tony! Oh god, get Medical on site now! JARVIS! Open faceplate. Tony?"

The faceplate comes off automatically and JARVIS even takes it down to Tony's neck which Steve then cups with a shaky hand. Tony's head is matted to his head and Steve prays that it's just sweat when he runs his hand back over it. His glove comes away clean and he lets out a breath of relief before he puts his glove in his mouth, teeth holding a finger and pulls it off. He places his palm on Tony's cheek and he's running a little cooler than normal which worries him. The others are gathering behind him, encircling them both, protecting them and Steve turns his face down toward his shoulder to hide the tear tracks he knows are going to be there. A hand curves over his other shoulder and just rests there.

"I can't lose him," Steve admits, his voice a little breathy. "He's the only thing that's real."

_He was the one thing that made up for it all; the lost time, friends…and love._

Natasha squeezes his shoulder gently, "I know."

 

 

The ride to the nearest S.H.I.E.L.D base hospital is agony. Steve had sat in the back of the ambulance with Tony and the others following behind them. For a moment Steve stared at his hand, which he held tightly around Tony’s and it looked even paler against the red of the Iron Man suit. Medical had refused removing the armor until they knew that Tony didn’t have any internal bleeding being compressed by the suit.  When they reach the ER doors a swarm of doctors descended and race around the outpouring of team members from various vehicles as they relay jargon that Steve doesn't understand and take Tony away. Natasha's there again, taking Steve's empty hand that was holding Tony's and now seems to lack purpose without him there.

Steve gives her a weak smile, "You're not going to tell me everything is fine and that he's going to be okay?"

Her face remains passive for a moment before she replies, "No."

They both know why not. Natasha lies all the time, lies to get what she wants and what she needs but she never lies to them. Not about the important things. Even though it rips him apart to think that there is a reason to doubt, he's grateful for her honesty. He lets her lead him over to a chair and she sits him down with her by his side and their hands still clasped. Uncharacteristically, she rests her head on his shoulder, the shock of her red hair tumbling over his blue suit and it just twists the pain in his belly even tighter.

"Can I just...talk?" Steve asks her quietly. Her head bobs her assent and Steve sighs, "I just—”

Taking a deep breath, he starts again, “We’ve come so far, y’know. I told him that, I told him…what I felt and _this_ happens. God, I remember the first time I realised I didn't hate Tony. It sounds so stupid but at the time it was such a _revelation_.”

 

 

_It had been convenient to reconvene at Tony's Malibu penthouse after their run in with remnants of what would have been a vast cybertronic army.  Each of them took a corner at Tony's insistence, letting them all take a breath and lick their wounds. The scientist creator had escaped but while they were down, they weren't out and Steve was already planning their return fire._

_Walking around the large space, it struck Steve at how empty it was. It was full of those little things that Tony seemed to enjoy, like a_ _sound system_ _that blasted out harsh sounds that seemed to baffle Steve as much as anything else. He wasn’t going to lie, he liked instruments and swing bands and the thump-thump of Tony’s_ rock bands _did little to please him. Still, there weren't any pictures or anything personal linking the house to its owner. It was when it was like this between him and Tony that Steve stopped hating him for just a second and just felt sad. All of it, the blankness and the clinical sides of it, just seemed to perpetuate the tug of war that they were in -- Steve held tight to those memories of his loved ones in his art and the few photos that he had been given._ To him this was how they existed. _Tony's reality in the here and now, to never look back, just seemed like a series of lonely empty spaces that felt more dead than real._

_Steve ends up at the last door in the hallway, in Tony's room, bed made and probably never even slept in when JARVIS alerted him to his wrong turn._

_"Captain Rogers, you have entered Mr Stark's-"_

_Raising a hand, Steve looks around as if Tony is going to bust him any minute, "Sorry JARVIS, I didn't know, can you just point me to the way out of here?"_

_A metallic click sounded and the door in the wall of windows opens out on to the deck automatically._

_"Mr Stark is located on the beach approximately a quarter of a mile downwind." JARVIS automates and Steve nods before he fumbles, "Thanks JARVIS."_

 

 

_Steve doesn't go looking for Tony but finds him anyway. Tony's standing on the sand with no shoes on, feet apart, squishing it between his toes. Moreover, with his eyes closed he's completely ignoring the cold splash of water and foam as it wets his jeans each time it rolls up._

_"JARVIS." Steve announces as he stands a little further back from Tony, who pretty much ignores him. They stand like that for a little while and it's surprising. Steve had always assumed that Tony needed to hear his own voice as much as he needed breathing and needed his ego to be stroked just to function._

_"Sometimes I'm really wrong about you." Steve feels himself saying. Tony opens his eyes and looks back at Steve. There's quietness written in his face that Steve's never seen before._

_Tony's lips twitch and a corner flicks up in a half smile, "Most people are. Sometimes."_

_Charm back in place, Steve feels a little lighter like this quiet Tony affects him in more ways than one, shifting the stable balance between them that Steve thinks he has control of. He catches the muted glow of Tony's arc reactor under his dark tee. Steve wants to ask, about so many more things than what was in the file he read, but he knows that it's crossing territory that isn't open to him yet._

_Steve moves when Tony moves, both of them turning back to face the house and Tony moves up to stand by Steve's side. He rolls his shoulders and flexes them back and forth like a stretch. It amuses Steve to see and it shows._

_"Oh yeah, I forgot.  I found this like forever ago and I thought you might want it. Since I, well, don't." Tony pulls something out of the back pocket of his jeans and hands it to Steve._

_It's an old photograph, a black and white one, and it’s of Steve stood side by side with Howard, the short man clapping him on the back. Steve remembers the day well, it was the day he had picked out his shield and he's holding it in front of them both, shiny and unpainted and they both look...happy._

_He was told in no uncertain terms by Agent Coulson not to mention Howard to Tony, so he hadn't. Steve guesses that this is one of those rare moments of selflessness that Agent Romanov’s report speaks of. He remains silent for a few moments and it seems to set Tony on edge._

_"Come on, Cap, it's just a picture," Tony laughs but it's awkward. It's awkward because the photo means so much to Steve and Tony knows it._

_"You said not to live in the past and that it would make my present too difficult." Steve knows he's putting Tony on the spot but he just can't understand him. He doubts he ever will._

_Tony sighs, like he's bracing himself, "It's no secret how I feel about my dad or how he felt about me and I've dealt with that shit. Even thanked him when he saved my life but that's me. Not you. You guys were friends and if you want to remember him, it's...not my place to say."_

_It sounds vaguely like an apology which makes Steve slightly suspicious, "Did Agent Coulson tell you to be nice to me?"_

_That makes Tony laugh and it's real._

_"What? No."_

_Steve is sceptical but Tony just starts making his way back towards the house. Steve trails a bit until they're about to reach the stairs up to the deck and he catches Tony's arm._

_Like Tony, Steve takes a steeling breath, "Howard was brilliant. Crazy, brilliant and you remind me so much of him. Wait--"_

_Tony had already pulled away from Steve at the comparison. He’s got that look on his face that projects disinterest but Steve knows Tony will listen to him anyway._

_"Just listen, okay. They said that he worked on the atomic bomb right? The guy I knew, he couldn't have not been changed by that..."_

Like how Afghanistan changed you.

_"...to see the world worse off and know that he was the reason? I know it doesn't make it okay but I just wanted you to know. Your dad wasn't a bad guy. He was the best damn civilian plot in the war and I was proud to call him my friend."_

_Tony's face is blank but Steve knows from his eyes that he's reached_ something.

_"Look, I know we haven't got off to the best of starts, Tony, but as much as we've fought, I don't hate you. I just don't get you."_

_And it's the truth, Steve realises. For everything about Tony that reminds him of Howard there are two more things that puzzle him._

_"So let's just shake on it and be friends."_

_Steve offers his hand and there’s an agonising moment before Tony takes it. His hand is strong and warm in Steve's and for a quiet moment it's just them_.

 

 

Steve wouldn't know it then but that's when it started for him. An olive branch of friendship that would grow and coil around his heart only to transform into the love he carries with him now.

Natasha sits back off of him and smiles, "I didn't know that. I thought you guys made up at that first movie night, remember?"

He smiles with her again, he sees what she's doing, offering him up an opening and encouraging him to talk. Normally he would pull back, thank her and it would be fine but everything is just spilling out of him like an overflow of water in a too small cup.

"Oh yeah, poor Dum-E." Steve laughs. He guesses he doesn't mind as much because it's a funny story. It had certainly taught Tony not to underestimate Steve, "I thought Tony really was going to take him apart. Maybe I shouldn't have gotten the coffee maker involved."

"He brought it on himself," Natasha says decisively. "How did it start?"

 

 

 _It's not long before Fury hands down the mandate that strictly implies that the Avengers have to spend at least 4 recreational hours together a week for team building exercises outside of the war room. Steve recognises it as the necessary measures needed to stop the natural segregation of personalities but it is a better theory than in practice.  
  
_ It's like wrangling children really. _Steve sighs as he rubs a towel over the back of his neck. After the first few attempts to get everyone to a team meeting, he's learnt a few tricks. Number one is to deal with Tony first as he is the most problematic when it comes to authority. Even though Steve has access codes and JARVIS is programmed to recognise and respond to Steve, he isn't willing to violate Tony's space for his own gain. He knocks loudly in case Tony is busy but there's no blaring music and Steve can't hear the tell-tale whirr of mechanics through the door.  
  
"JARVIS? Report." Steve asks when everything remains quiet.  
  
"Mr Stark is off grid, Captain. Last reading acquired shows stable vitals and his location to be in a non-threatening environment."  
  
It was rare but not unheard of for Tony to go off grid, especially if he wanted to avoid Fury or Coulson. Tony actually went incommunicado for 3 days the last time he opened a back door into the S.H.I.E.L.D server.  
  
Steve sighs, "Can I get a heads up when he's back?"  
  
"Of course."  
  
Crossing Tony off his list, Steve resolves himself to talk to Clint after taking a shower. He's still got the sweat of his work out all over him and when he gets in there the shower is hot enough to work down in his muscles and warm his bones. His room is dark when he gets out and he grabs the first pair of sweats and t-shirt from his closet and pulls them on. It takes a few minutes but when Steve reaches the kitchen, he feels a tingle run down his back and the tops of his thighs  
  
_ _He clenches his teeth but stops when he recognises the feeling, one from nearly 80 summers ago when Bucky had been to the joke shop and poured the contents of an unmarked sachet down Steve’s back._

Itching powder, _Steve realises and shakes his head, cursing softly.  
  
Clint busts into the kitchen stripped to the waist, shirt in hand and looks around, "Seen Stark?"  
  
Shaking his head again, Clint takes off back in the direction of his room, Steve, on the other hand, manages to resist the urge to pull the shirt of his back and walks calmly back to his room to take another shower before taking a new set of clothes from the back of the rack. _

_Tony is sitting at the island in the kitchen with a smug grin on his face, fiddling with a tablet, when Steve walks back in._

_Taking a breath, Steve asks calmly, "Itching powder?"_

_He hums positively and Steve takes the tablet off of him and holds it away from both of them, "Why?"_

_Tony pulls a face and tries to reach around Steve but Steve rolls back on his heels and Tony glares at him, "Retaliation. We're at war, Cap."_

_Steve narrows his eyes, "And who might we be at war with, Tony?"_

_"The French? No, how about the Russians? Ow," Tony rubs his head where Natasha clipped the back of it, "Not the Russians. Jeez, you are awful, y'know that. Simply awful. You're fired."_

_Natasha doesn't even raise an eyebrow as she slips past Tony and slides around Steve. "Sing a new song Stark, that one is all out of tune."_

_Steve lets Natasha make her tea but keeps an eye on Tony, "Ms Romanov..."_

_"Yes Captain?" Natasha replies sweetly and Tony throws his hands up._

_"You know she's a spy right? An assassin, she'll kill you and take you to her leader the moment your back is turned."_

_Natasha only offers Tony a steely look in return but Steve looks at them both, "Okay, grow up. Both of you."_

_That startles them both but Steve feels his frustration bubbling up just under his skin, "Everyone here_ _is_ supposed _to be an adult, a hero, but you walk around here like children screaming 'I want'. Well, enough."_

_Steve feels a little out of breath and a little anxious when he finishes but Natasha nods, "Of course. We were just waiting for you to assert yourself."_

_Tony just looks mock shocked, "We were?"_

_Natasha takes her tea and works her way around them again, "Yes, it has been decided that Captain America will lead the Avengers in the field but before it needs to be seen that he can lead us in here."_

_"Really?" Tony asks with his arms folded._

_Steve sets the table down on the island to his left, "Tony."_

_"Steve has the most experience leading a large team and we respect him and deep down so do you." Natasha explains with a tight look on her face, Steve half thinks that he might need to get_ _between them._

"Captain America _is an outdated set of ideals and granted, he is the most functional of all us screw ups but he doesn't know the first thing about technological warfare. I even have my doubts as to whether he has the ability to work the microwave."_

_Steve feels the heat rise to his cheeks, "Hey-"_

_Natasha puts her cup down on the island and backs Tony into the refrigerator. His face hasn't changed but Steve is sure that all three of them have felt the shift in the air._

_"You had one victory, Stark, a good victory but still only one. If I'm going to lay down my life for somebody, I'm going to choose who." Grabbing her cup, Natasha storms off._

_When she's out of sight, Tony relaxes with an exhale, "Sometimes I'm more than a little afraid of her."_

_Steve had watched her retreating back and thought about Tony's words. Of course there was some truth to them, but his impressions had cut Steve to the quick, especially since they were trying to be friends._

_"I know how to use the microwave, Tony, I'm not an idiot." Steve slides Tony's tablet across the island and Tony catches the shiny black tech smoothly._

_"You know that's not what I meant."_

_Steve shrugs, "Not exactly like that but you meant that you didn't think I couldn't do it."_

_"Steve--"_

_"I get it, you've got a problem with me that you can't shake but this is how it is Tony. So suck it up." Steve sighs before he heads back up to his room_.

Back to square one, _Steve realises. He only lets it both him for a second before promises himself to do better tomorrow._

 

 

_When Steve ever thinks back on this moment, he knows he's being childish but if he's really honest, Tony hurt his feelings with his lack of trust._

_He looks at the open webpage on the laptop S.H.I.E.L.D gave him, a_ Sony, _which Tony glares at every time Steve brings it into the room_.   _That alone gives Steve a little pleasurable twist in his stomach. This, if it went right, would give everyone a little satisfied amusement. Sure, it looks complicated but Steve has worked his way around more than a few engines in his time. It's all about working your skill set, he reminds himself.  
  
Step one of his plan is in motion when he sent a memo to every Avenger telling them that they needed to go and bring something back for the now mandatory movie night that would begin tonight. Even Tony had left the house, probably under the weight of the guilt that Natasha, or maybe Ms Potts if she knew, had heaped on him. That gave Steve a little twinge but he shook it off.  
  
Steve was unaware but step two was about to hit a snag when he goes back into the kitchen and sees Dum-E situated next to the counter by the coffee machine. Steve set the laptop down and coughed. He was always a little uncomfortable around Dum-E because he never quite knew how much_ _the robot understood.  
  
So he smiled and gave a little wave, "Hey, Dum-E."  
  
The robot turned a little on his wheels and gave a happy chirrup and bobbed its metallic claw attachment._  
  
Ah, so he's on coffee duty, _Steve realises. Choosing to remain unfazed, Steve grabs a clean cup from the sink and offers it to Dum-E. Slowly, Dum-E places the cup under the coffee machine and presses the button that sets the machine burbling to life.  
  
"So, I have..." Steve tries to phrase it well enough, "a favor to ask."  
  
Dum-E's 'head' bobs a little and Steve takes that for understanding.  
  
"Well, you see, Tony has been pranking everybody pretty hard but no one has managed to get him back so I was planning to, um, do it myself." Steve stares at the little robot that’s motionless for several seconds before it bobs its head again.  
  
Steve smiles again, wider and shows Dum-E the screen before he laughs, "I don't suppose you can read."  
  
The robot lowers its claw and makes a sad sound. Steve puts the computer back down and Dum-E rolls back far enough to let Steve at the coffee maker. Taking the fresh cup out, Steve takes a sip and admits that it is good. On the other hand, for the sake of the team, he does the unthinkable - he dismantles the coffee machine. Taking off the access panel, Steve looks at the clump of wires and back at his computer screen.  
  
It's only when Steve swears that he'll never tell Tony what they're doing that Dum-E holds the screwdriver in place while Steve works.  
  
A few hours later, the team return like foragers with no surprises as to what some of them have returned with; Thor with the makings of a huge vat of nachos; Clint with the certain kind of beer he likes; Bruce with three kinds of popcorn and Natasha with a selection of candies. Steve looks around for Tony but he's not with them.  
  
"Where's Tony?" He asks as the four drop their various items onto the counter.  
  
"Got all excited and ran off downstairs," Clint relays as he grabs something from Natasha's bag, more interestingly is that she lets him have it.  
  
Steve nods, "I'll get him and then we can start."  
  
The jog down to Tony's workshop is quick but Steve makes it quicker when he hears banging from the top of the stairs. The windows in to the workshop are set to frosted so Steve can't see anything. Quickly punching in the override code, he pulls the door open without so much as a word to JARVIS and calls for Tony.  
  
"TONY?"_

 _There's nothing but more banging. Steve can't see anything and he can't source the noise either. He works through the logic and decides simply that Tony is on one of the other levels that he insisting on building after they had all moved in and 'swarmed over his space like bees, annoying-superhero-room-bathroom-hogging-food-stealing-bees'.  
  
Tony pretty much rocks up in front of Steve with a ridiculous smile on his face. "Oh hey, Steve, what do you think?"  
  
Steve looks over at the large sheet Tony has strung up and spread out by its four corners and look back at him confused, "What is it?"  
  
Eyebrow quirked at him, Tony raises his right arm and waves it in the sheet's direction, "My contribution to movie night. A super retro cinema system!"  
  
Steve turns his head in line with the sheet and he sees the projector, complete with reels, stacked up on a bunch of things Tony has stacked together.  
  
_ The banging. _  
  
The whole thing just sits on Steve. It's Tony playing ball with what is expected of him_ and _finding a way to apologise to Steve at the same time. The whole thing is perfect.  
  
"Tony, it's--great, thank you." Steve returns Tony's smile and it's genuine.  
  
Tony nods and claps him on the back as he passes, "I know right, I'm a genius."  
  
That pulls up a laugh too and Steve lets Tony take him up stairs before they've both re-joined everyone in the living room.  
  
"We're going to be watching the movie in Tony's workshop since he just set up an old projector for it." Steve tells them somewhat eagerly.  
  
Clint cocks his head to the side, "Some apology."  
  
Natasha, who's sitting next to him, knocks her knee against his, hard. She gets up and grabs her glass when there is an all mighty crash in the kitchen.  
  
"WHAT THE--!!" Tony shouts and curses and Steve feels his face flush.  
  
"I completely forgot." Steve turns around to see Tony glaring at him, empty cup in hand.  
  
Screwing his eyes shut and rubbing his forehead, Tony asks quietly, "How, might I ask, did you fuck with my coffee machine and make it serve TEA?"  
  
"The internet?" Steve says sheepishly with his hands raised in a gesture that crossed with I'm sorry and I come in peace.  
  
"Yeah, well - wait - wasn't Dum-E watching..." Tony turns back again and the robot is folding down on himself as he tries to creep out of the kitchen, "Oh that's it. You aren't even going to a good school, you over welded piece of garden furniture."  
  
Steve can't even contain the laugh and it comes out as a snort of air through his nose.  
  
"You forgot, Tony, we're at war with the ‘not’ Russians." Steve says in a voice that he hopes is solemn.  
  
The combustible anger just drains from Tony's face and he laughs, loud and hard. Clint climbs over most of the furniture to pat Steve on the back, "Awesome. You'll have to show me that."  
  
Steve grins and Tony rolls his eyes, "Like you have the mental capacity for that."  
  
"Looks like someone's a bitch when they get owned," Clint rebounds as he half-heartedly flips him off.  
  
Natasha makes her way over and just pushes them all out of her path, "Movie night, remember?"_

 

 

 

Steve wipes a hand across his face and is surprised to find it wet. He hadn't felt the tears well up or even touch his skin. Bruce has taken up the seat on the other side of Steve while Thor and Clint are sitting side by side behind him.  
  
"I think I just need to be alone, okay?" Steve doesn't look back at them and Natasha lets him go when she uncurls her fingers from his.  
  
The nearest balcony is only a few doors away from where they were sitting. The air makes Steve's wet face cold and forces a bit more awareness into him. Day has given way to night and the sky is glittering with clarity, probably one of the clearest skies in a long time. Regardless, Steve just feels _lost_. Steve bends at the waist, presses his hands on his thighs and lets out one wrecked breath from deep in his chest before he rights himself. He shudders as he forces air into through his nose and breathes harshly as a little part of him just fails to be okay.  
  
 _Don't fall apart, Rogers, it's not over yet._  
  
There's a little knock before Bruce pokes his head around the EXIT door, "You're gonna want to come in for this."  
  
Steve closes his eyes and sees nothing but black behind his lids, opening his eyes, he sees nothing has changed.


End file.
